As I got older, things were happening to me, and I knew that they were not approved by God. I did not know how to go about talking about these things. Sometimes I wonder if it was suppose to happen to me because I was a bad girl. I did not know if I was a flawed girl or not. I wonder if everything was happening to me because of who I was. I did know if I was doing things right or wrong. Some of the things that were happening I knew that I had no choice but to do it. Even if I cried I did as I was told. As I laid on the floor one day, I did not know who he was, I was just hoping that someone would walk in the room and stop what was happening, but I knew that it was never going to happen. Sometimes I just wanted to close my eyes to avoid looking at what was getting done to my body. It did not feel like my body belonged to me anymore. Almost like I was a part of someone else. Someone once told me that my body was a living sacrifice to God. I sometimes wonder what God was thinking when he seen what was happening to me. I wonder if I was going to get punished because of what was happening? How was I ever going to tell what was happening? How was I going to be able to hide what was going on? I guess it came to a point where I did not care anymore. It felt like nothing was going to change. I sometimes wondered if I do not pray hard enough. I did not know how to come to God. I did not know if God was even going to listen to me. Not only having to cover up, and hold in being abused, being home was hard also. Some mornings I was afraid to wake up, I knew that nothing exciting was going to happen, besides sitting in the bedroom waiting on mom to hopefully come in our room with food, and allowing us to go to the bathroom. When mom would leave us home alone, my older sister would step up and do the best she can. Mom would leave for days, and my older sister would be confused. At times she did not know what to do. We would just sit there crying to one another, not knowing what we were going to eat nor drink. We were only four little girls, waiting on answers from God. All we wanted was another chance in life. Another chance to be like any other little girl, waiting on a good night kiss from her mother. I used to think that my life was an accident. I was born weighting 3 pounds and 2 ounces, known as a premature baby. People did not think that I was going to make it. During the process of getting settled in life I stopped breathing twice. If you’d ask me I would say that I was a miracle child. To this day, I know and believe that God has a plan for my life. Growing up I was always soft, and willing to give people what they wanted. I never enjoyed the action of confusing or someone being mad at me, I never liked to be in the middle of anything. If I was not already in it, my name was going to be put in it. At times I would wonder if I would ever be able to speak my mind. Growing up people always spoke for me. I have realized that I am here because of who I am, and who God has made me. It has taken a long time for me to realize that I am who God wants me to be. I have wasted so much time of my life trying to be more than what I am. I have wasted so much time trying to please other people than God. It was so hard for me to tell someone no. I never liked to hurt anyone’s feelings. I never liked to see anyone upset. There were times where my older sister told me to do things, and I was so afraid to say no, because I knew that she was never going to accept my no. I believe that is how I have taken a strong hold on the word yes. Someone once told me that I need to take control of my life, and stop letting other people take control of me. I have finally made that decision to take control of what goes on in this body that God has provided for me. Growing up was really weird for me. Days and days passed by and it seemed like I was just waking up and going right back to sleep. There were days where I wished I could just keep my eyes closed forever. It seemed like it was up to my sisters and I to make our days enjoyable. Somehow we found a way to do so. Many may not have agreed with many things that we did to get things for ourselves, but that was the only thing we knew. It seemed like it was the only way that our pain in the inside was going to end. We did not know how to help one another. Some days we stuck together, and other days it was like dog eat dog. As I speak with my sisters today, I have realized that God has brought us through these hard times that we thought we were never going to make it out of. Times where we thought no one cared about us, God did. Times where we thought no one was there for us, God has always been there. I know now that God was preparing us to live life, not only for ourselves but also for him. I now know that God has used my sisters and I because he knew that we were going to make it through, and He has the plan for our life. Because of who I am today, I pray that I will be able to speak out to other youth, and let them know that the things that they go through in life will only make them stronger.
