Just when I thought things were beginning to settle down, it seemed like everything took a major dip. The dreams were starting to calm down, but I still had my night’s worth. I was beginning to feel more confident in myself. I did not care what anyone said to me I was God’s child, and in order for someone to do something to me they had to go through him. I had a better step in my walk. I was beginning to walk with my head up, and a smile on my face. I went to visit my mom for a day or so. Everything was just fine. Even though my mom was drunk, I was yet happy that I was able to be in her presence. Things begun to calm down. My older sister had me walk around the corner with her, she would not tell me what we were going for, but I had already figured it out for myself. When we came back to where my mom was, my mom and my sister went in back room together. When I walk back to go with them, my mom told me to go back in the front room, I knew that they were getting ready to do drugs. I quickly walked back to the front room and took a seat on the front couch. Mom was taking a long time to come back. I laid on the couch and fell asleep. I turned over and this man was on top of me. I got afraid I think I almost stopped breathing for about five seconds. I was trying to scream my mom’s name, but there was no response. As I was trying to fight back, I think I panicked the most but, I could feel the braids in his head, he did not say a word, he just continue to fight with me until he got my pants down low enough for him to pass through. He continued to force my legs up for easy access. The further he went the worse it started to feel. It seemed like I could not breath at all. When he was finish he left, I slowly pulled my pants back up and laid there until my mom came back in the front. I cried and cried until I could not cry anymore. At that time I thought my life was over, I was just violated, taken advantage of, and there was nothing I could do, I was then again raped. My mom and my sister came back in the front and said we were about to go. I was thinking in my head why couldn’t they have come up here and said that about fifteen- twenty minutes ago? We walked to the gas station, as the pain was beginning to get to me, I wanted to tell my mom right then and there. Somehow it just would not come out. I was also afraid to tell her because she was drunk and I did not think she was going to understand me. The next day I went home, I was afraid to get in the shower, yet I just wanted to wash everything that happened away. I was afraid to look at myself. I did not know how to tell my adopted mom. The next day she noticed that there was a weird smell in my room, she questioned me about it but I did not know how to tell her at the moment. She called me in her room and she asked if anything happen when I was gone, I did not respond. Before the day was over I did tell her. After that day, I did not care about anything anymore. It seemed like I had nothing else to give. I did not care about life anymore. I could not believe that this was happening. Everything that I thought I had was taken away. My hope, my happiness and my respect was taken away that night. My innocence was something that I prayed to hold on to but yet it was taken away. I was not in any condition to talk to anyone; I did not want to talk to anyone. What was I suppose to do? Just when I thought something like this was never going to happen again, all of my thoughts were drowned. Going to school with this on the mind did not make anything better. As I looked other females in the eyes, I did not understand why they were so happy and I was not. I could not sleep, eating was the last thing on my mind. Everything that I ate it seemed like it came right back up. I just wanted to sleep for a couple of days. I started to feel bad, because I was not reading my bible and praying like I used to. My focus in church started to die down. I was to the point where I was tired of crying, I did not know what else to do. There was only one thing left to do, and that was turn to God. I did not understand how this could happen if I was a child of God. I did not understand how this could happen if I read my bible like I was supposed to. I did not understand how this could happen if I prayed every night. But as I continued to complain, I realized that I made it through. There are women today who did not make it through rape. I began to cry out to God, all I could say was sorry. I was sorry to doubt him, I was sorry to think that he was not there, I was sorry to think that he did not care about me. I was sorry that I was starting to not care about myself. All I could say that night was, the devil is a lie. The devil has no power here. I thank God that he was there to bring me through. I thank God that he was yet in control, and he will never put more on me than I can bear. I began to realize that I was yet a child of God. I will not allow the devil to step in and ruin what God has planned for my life. I have the power to say that the devil is and will always be a lie.
