I was ready to find myself within all of this confusion and pain. I was tired of crying and not understanding where the tears were coming from. I was tired of hurting and not understanding where the pain was coming from. I only wanted to be heard, I wanted the help of God, and I wanted that attention from God. I was able to take a seat and receive what was missing from my heart. I was willing to give my soul up and trade it in for a new beginning. After being in church it changed a lot in me, but the change did not take place until I allowed God to have his way. Sometimes I did not understand how to hand things over to God. I always had the mind that God will not understand me. I always wonder what God will do with me. It seemed like everything that I had was already gone. My hope, my joy, my peace, my respect, my heart, my soul, but most of all my innocence. It seemed like I had nothing left. I had nothing else to give. It seemed like I had no room to receive anything else. What was I suppose to do? How was I going to be able to get rid of these feelings? Where was I going to begin receiving the help that was given? I was afraid to open up because I did not want to be hurt again. I did not want to hurt anyone else by not accepting the help that they were willing to give. I got to the point where I got tired of pushing people away. I wanted someone to understand me. I wanted someone to know why I was feeling this way. I wanted someone to know why I was afraid to go to sleep at night. I wanted someone to know why I was not able to just move on with a new beginning. I just wanted that everlasting hug, that’s telling me that everything will be ok. I just wanted to be healed. I wanted to be healed from this pain and hurt that was in the inside of me. I wanted my hope back, I wanted my respect back, I wanted my joy back, most of all I wanted my innocence back. I was looking for someone who was able to restore all of these things back in me. I was looking for someone that was able to set me free. I was looking for that someone who was able to heal me. I couldn’t seem to stop thinking and worrying about my past. I just wanted all of it to go away. But I begin to think, how something that really happened can go away. I am sure there was a way to get delivered from these problems. It seemed as if it was up to me to really let some of these problems go, it was up to me to depend on God and believe that He can take not only some but all of this pain away. Sometimes we have to just realize who God is and what his job in our life is. We have to allow ourselves to heal, so that we will be able to turn situations into a test, and turn test into testimonies. After having a testimony, what is there to do with it, some may say. I will be able to speck to others and tell them I how I made it through. I want to be able to reach out to other women, and young girls. I will like for them to know that they are someone special; God has something special for them. Once you realize that some of the things that happen to you in your life is not always your fault. That is one of the things I had to realize, that was one of the things that I had to take hold of and believe. It is not my fault that someone see’s the special things that God has planned for my life and they want to try and take it away. Sometimes I will ask God, if I am a child of yours, why do these things yet happen to me? And God says to me, I know that you can handle it my child, and I will not put more on you than you can bear. I know that God is real; I believe that there is a God, because if there wasn’t, I will not be here today telling my story to those who are reading this book. The devil thought he was winning, But I want the devil to know right now that he needs to come better than that. The devil did not see me coming out of the hole that he was digging in my life, he did not see the light at the end of the tunnel that was placed there by God.
