There comes a time where you want to explain yourself to people, but somehow you do not know how they are going to accept you. I believe that is one of the biggest things that I had to deal with when I was beginning to open up to people. I always thought to myself, no one could ever imagine what I wanted to get out of my mind. The way my mind wondered scared me at times. Sometimes I just wanted a hug, sometimes I just needed that someone to be there and tell me that everything was going to be ok. I just need a shoulder to lean on. I wanted someone to be there with me. Every time something happened to me, I can feel myself decreasing from what I wanted in life. At times I would write letters to myself, trying to get certain things out of my mind. Somehow that writing experiment faded away. It seemed as if every time I would get rid of one thing, something else would come and take its place. I had noticed that I needed more alone time. When I would be alone it seemed like I thought more than I should. Thinking never got me anywhere. I always thought about who I should have been, who I could have been and who I wanted to be. I have realized that I have to come to the point where I just have to let things go. It is very true that things are easier said than done. For most of my life I have been trying to allow myself to put more encouraging words to test. It can be hard at times, when you just want certain things to go away. I never imaged how hard it could be to not let situations of the past take control of your mind. Sometimes, it was hard for me to get things out because I did not want anyone else to get into trouble. The first person that have every touched me in the wrong place was my older sister. I can remember the day when she told me not to tell anyone, and I told her that I wouldn’t, but I am tired of hurting, I am tired of holding pain to where pain cannot be held. At first I did not know that it was wrong until things were beginning to go in a different direction. This one night I can remember I was lying next to her. I could barely get any sleep, and I was cold. My sisters and I had to share one cover, but I managed to not get any. As I laid there I could feel my sister putting her hand between my legs. I thought she was just feeling for something, but she never stopped. Even though it was beginning to hurt I just laid there. I was hoping that one of my other sisters would wake up but they never did. The first couple of nights this was happening I never said anything because I thought that it was going to stop. The next couple of nights it never stopped, it went to a different level. My sister started to make me do things to her. She would stick things in me, and all I could do was cry. Till this one night, I just did not know what to do, I did not want this to happen to me anymore. I had just went to sleep, and my sister woke me up, she did something to me that she had never done before. She made me take all of my clothes off, and she got on top of me. After that, she made me lick her in the private place, and after she made me do her, she did it to me. I knew that it was not suppose to be happening to me because it was starting to hurt. I would always wonder, why she would always do this to me and not any of my other sisters. Sometimes I would feel weak, because I did not know how to explain to my sister how that made me feel. Somehow it just made me think that she did not care anyway. No one could imagine how I just wanted to die, because it seemed as if it was the only way this stuff was going to stop. I did not know how to tell my mom, and I especially did not know if she was going to believe me or not. This was just another situation that I had to keep to myself. The longer I held it in, the weaker I started to feel toward my older sister. She would walk around as if everything was ok, and she had never touched me in anyway. No one could imagine how I just wanted to get way, and be alone, it seemed as if no one paid any attention to me anyhow. No one could imagine the way I was feeling in the inside, and how was I going to get it across my lips.
